Understanding your child’s behaviour and motivation can be incredibly helpful in guiding them towards success (or the things you want them to do). Gretchen Rubin’s book “The Four Tendencies” provides a framework that can help you better understand your child’s behaviour and motivation. By asking the simple question, “How does my child respond to expectations?”, you can identify which of the Four Tendencies your child falls into.
The framework identifies four distinct personality types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Here’s an overview of each tendency and how you can identify which one your child falls into:
1. Upholders
Upholders are people who readily meet both inner and outer expectations. They thrive on following rules, meeting deadlines, and achieving goals. They have a strong sense of self-discipline, and are often self-motivated to complete tasks and achieve success.
Upholder children are often diligent and responsible, and take pride in meeting expectations and fulfilling obligations. They are typically eager to please and may become anxious or upset when they fail to meet a goal or deadline. They may also be very organised and enjoy making schedules and to-do lists to help them stay on track.
How to help an Upholder child: Upholder children thrive on structure and routine, so it’s important to create a consistent schedule for them. They respond well to rules and clear expectations, so make sure to set these up in a way that is reasonable and achievable. Give them opportunities to take on new challenges and allow them to set self-directed goals.
2. Questioners
Questioners, as the label suggests, question all expectations and will only meet them if they believe they are reasonable and justified. They are research-driven and like to understand the reasoning behind rules and expectations.
Questioner children are very curious and like to know the reasons behind things. They may appear stubborn or difficult at times, but this is often because they need to understand the reasoning behind a particular expectation before they are willing to comply.
How to help a Questioner child: Questioner children need to understand the reasoning behind rules and expectations. Encourage them to ask questions and provide them with logical explanations for why certain rules are in place. Give them opportunities to explore and research their interests and passions. And let them have a say in their own goals and priorities.
3. Obligers
Obligers are individuals who readily meet outer expectations but may struggle with meeting inner expectations. They have a strong desire to please others and may put the needs of others before their own. Obligers often thrive in structured environments and benefit from external accountability.
Obliger children are usually very cooperative as they are eager to please. They may struggle to make time for their own interests and goals, and may rely on external accountability to stay on track.
How to help an Obliger child: Obliger children need external accountability in order to achieve their goals. Encourage them to set goals with clear deadlines and to find an accountability partner who will help keep them on track. Praise them for their accomplishments and help them find ways to make their own goals a priority.
4. Rebels
Rebels are individuals who resist both inner and outer expectations. They have a strong desire for freedom and autonomy and may resist rules or expectations that feel arbitrary or confining. Rebels often thrive on novelty and challenge, and may resist being told what to do.
Rebel children are usually very independent and value their freedom. They may appear stubborn or difficult and may challenge rules or expectations, even if they are reasonable or important. They may resist authority and may struggle with routines and structure.
How to help a Rebel child: Rebels need to feel like they are in control of their own lives. Encourage them to set their own goals and priorities and to find creative ways to achieve them. Give them opportunities to make choices and to express their individuality.
By understanding your child’s main tendency, you’ll be able to provide the necessary structure, support, and encouragement to help them thrive and reach their full potential.
